Last weekend, the Alfie Noakes Golf Society dusted off the cobwebs (and possibly a few cobweb-covered clubs) to kick off the 2025 season with the Captain’s Drive at the picturesque Antrobus Golf Course. Nestled in the heart of the Cheshire countryside, this clever little track is a beauty with a beastly side—think water hazards galore, wooded traps, and fairways so narrow they’d make a tightrope walker sweat. Off the back tees, even our resident “pros” were muttering prayers into their gloves, while the well-guarded greens smirked at every approach shot.
Our new captain, Alex Baker, rolled up to the occasion sporting a hangover that could’ve sunk a battleship. Clearly, the pre-season celebrations had taken their toll, but nothing says “leadership” like a bleary-eyed dictator ready to rule the fairways. The day itself was a stunner—sun blazing, temps soaring into the high double digits, and a chance to shed the winter layers. Well, until the duffed shots and cries of “where’d that go?!” reminded us that golf is the ultimate humbler, no matter the weather.
The Texas Scramble format had us drawing lots for teams, which led to some delightful chaos as we squeezed four tee times into the space of three. Members were politely “encouraged” to keep the pace up, though judging by some of the swings, a few might’ve mistaken this for a leisurely nature hike. New fines master Joe was already in mid-season form, wielding his shiny new fines book like a medieval tax collector. I hadn’t even unpacked my clubs before I copped a fine for “driving into a hedge”—a crime I didn’t commit, unless you count my car’s brief flirtation with the shrubbery on arrival. Joe’s enthusiasm was unmatched; he’d clearly spent the off-season dreaming up penalties obscure enough to rival a pub quiz.
We welcomed some fresh faces: guest Mick, new member Alex (already eyeing “bandit” status), and Kevin, who arrived with empty pockets and instantly earned the nickname “No Doe.” It’s sticking, folks—he’s got the charm to pull it off, but we’re keeping an eye on his wallet next time. The group photo was a sight to behold, all of us grinning like kids at a candy store, before Alex stepped up for his big moment. Ex-captain and now Chairman Colin Butler handed over the new captain’s hat—a snazzy number with a “Commie” logo. Alex, embracing his inner tyrant, declared, “This isn’t a democracy, it’s a dictatorship!” The crowd jeered, the tension built, and then—true to form—Alex’s antique wooden wood sent his first ball screaming “FORE RIGHT!” as it vanished into the Cheshire wilderness. Somewhere, a farmer’s cow is still dodging that Titleist.
The golf itself was a mixed bag of brilliance and blunders, but the real fun came at the 19th hole. Basking in the sun, cold drinks in hand, the ribbing flowed as freely as Joe’s fines. Alan copped one for “grumpiness,” though who wouldn’t scowl when the winter mats turn your tee shot into a comedy act—his ball rolling off the tee more times than a toddler chasing a balloon? Joe’s fines book was a masterpiece—overflowing with creative offenses. The man’s a natural, and we’re already dreading/loving his next performance.
The winners? None other than our illustrious Dictator—sorry, Captain—Alex Baker, alongside Chairman Colin Butler, Alan Corbishly, and Kevin Murrey. Nearest the Pin went to Elliot, who probably celebrated with a smug nod, while the twos pot was nabbed yet again by Mike Oakes. Through gritted teeth, he had to split it with No Doe—congrats, gents, enjoy the spoils.
After a long, soggy winter that left me and my clubs in a state of grumpy hibernation, this day was a tonic. Great weather, great company, and a cracking start to the season. Congratulations Mr Captain on a great day of golf and a successful start to the season. Here’s hoping the rest of 2025 stays warm, dry, and full of laughs. Next up is Romiley—a beautifully groomed parkland gem that’s calling our names. See you all there next week, and may your drives stay straight (or at least on the course).
