- The Spring Cup at Sale Golf Club: Sunshine, Shanks, and a Fines Master’s Dream Day
The Alfie Noakes Golf Society descended upon Sale Golf Club on a gloriously sunny Sunday morning for the Spring Cup, and what a day it turned out to be. The clubhouse, a grand old relic known as the Lodge of Sale Old Hall (circa 1830), oozed tradition—like stepping into a time capsule where waistcoats and plus-fours were still the height of fashion. It’s also famed for its Open Champion Richard Burton, the last club pro to hoist the Claret Jug. No pressure then, lads.
I barely had my shoes tied when Len pounced like a hawk on a hapless mouse. “Where’s the laptop, you forgot the laptop didn’t ya?” he barked, and before I could stammer an excuse, my wrist was metaphorically slapped, and my fines tally began its inevitable climb. Little did I know, it’d be a record-breaking day for me in more ways than one.
The course itself sparkled in the spring sunshine, all green and gorgeous, whispering promises of birdies and glory. That is, until the club pro sheepishly offered refunds due to the state of the greens. A Sale member later confided that in their last comp—a field of 140—only six birdies were sunk. Six! That’s fewer birdies than I’ve had hot dinners this week, and I’ve been on a diet. Ominous signs indeed.
The first hole set the tone. Al Corbishly, with the confidence of a man who’d clearly had an extra Weetabix, smashed his drive left—straight through an oak tree, no less. We held our breath, expecting a lost ball and a tirade, but the golf gods smiled, and it popped out like a well-trained retriever, plopping smugly in the heart of the fairway. Al had a massive grin on his face, and we all pretended not to notice the sweat on his brow.
Then there’s PJ, our resident long-hitting legend. We’ve all seen him launch drives that could clear the Pennines, but his 100-yard shank on the back nine? That’s a new chapter in the Alfie Noakes lore.
The greens, sadly, lived up to their billing—or lack thereof. Freshly treated and dressed, they resembled a scarified battlefield, with putting lines like railway tracks. You’d aim for the hole, and the ball would veer off like a toddler chasing an ice cream van. No wonder birdies were rarer than a quiet moment from our fines master.
Despite the greens’ best efforts to ruin my day, I had an absolute blast. The course (greens aside) was a treat, and the company? Top-notch, as always. Maybe I enjoyed myself too much—Joes little red book ran out room as he gleefully scribbled my fines. “This has to be a record!” he cackled, and I’m fairly sure I saw him rubbing his hands with glee. I’d have argued, but I was too busy handing over my life savings.
With 37 Stableford points in the bag, I swaggered back to the clubhouse, soaking up the “bandit” jibes and eyeing the top prize. Runner-up, it turns out—pipped by Alex ‘Made Man’ Vietor’s cracking 39 points. Then, post-fines, New Alex dropped the bombshell: “Oh, full disclosure, I’ve had a couple of lessons.” Lessons?! The cheek! The bandit crown is hereby passed to you, sir—wear it with pride, you sneaky bugger.
Nearest the pin went to Steve, who’d scarpered early, probably sensing the fines master’s gaze. He got the news over the phone while regaling his pub punters with tales of glory. I rocked up mid-story to drop off his trophy, causing a minor commotion as he proudly showed it off to his customers saying…you guessed it… “I never win anything!”
No twos that day—which wasnt too much of a shock to be honest, given the greens looked like the Somme. The pot rolls over to Cavendish, where we’ll try our luck again.
Speaking of luck, Ron “The Tree” Marshall (rustle rustle) was handed “the visor” for his, ahem, arboreal performance. But wait! A Master Scoreboard review revealed a twist—it should’ve gone to none other than Joe Wilcox, our fines master extraordinaire. Still nursing a hangover a week later, Joe? Maybe that’s why the numbers were off—too many pints blurring the lines.
All in all, a fine day of golf with a fine bunch of reprobates on a very fine day. The Spring Cup delivered laughs, shanks, and enough fines to fund a small nation. Now, eyes on the prize: The Founders Cup at Cavendish.
Spring has sprung Alfie Noakes. LFG!!!
- Welcome Cup Chaos at Romiley
At the weekend, Alfie Noakes Golf Society descended upon Romiley Golf Club for the much-anticipated Welcome Cup kindly sponsored by Elliot. Nestled in the heart of Cheshire, Romiley is a stunner of a course—founded in 1897, it boasts postcard-worthy views across the county and into the rugged foothills of the Peak District National Park. It’s the kind of place where you’d happily shank a ball into the rough just to take a moment and soak in the scenery. That said, the slope rating handed most of us an extra two shots, a subtle hint that this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park—or a stroll down the fairway, for that matter. With a slew of par 4s stretching over 400 yards, it was clear Romiley was ready to chew us up and spit us out like a divot on a windy day.
The day kicked off with an unusual but expected start for Alfie Noakes, no coffee and bacon rolls at the clubhouse. Undeterred, a few of us savvy members slipped into the village—literally two minutes away—for a pre-round Latte fix. Big mistake.
I rolled up to the course just past 10, blissfully overlooking the Official Welcome ceremony start time I had confirmed. Mr. Captain greeted me with a verbal wedge to the ribs, and the Fines Master swooped in faster than a seagull on a dropped bag of chips. I hadn’t even unzipped my bag, and my wallet was already lighter. Steve, my café accomplice, somehow turned a two-minute walk into a full-blown odyssey and arrived late too. Mate, it’s not the Peak District—it’s a village high street!
Sadly, Len couldn’t swing a club that day… ive never seen him so happy! He was however on hand to give me a crash course in mastering the scoreboard. With Ben off sunning himself somewhere exotic (probably sipping a Piña Colada while I wrestled with Excel), the competition admin duties fell to yours truly. No pressure, right? Just me, a laptop, and the hopes of an entire golf society resting on my hacky tech skills.
Miraculously, the weather gods smiled on us, and we teed off under dry skies—a rarity worth celebrating in itself. Things were rolling along nicely until the 3rd tee, where Joe spotted a £50 note fluttering in the breeze like a gift from the golfing gods. He pounced on it with the glee of a man who’d just holed out from a bunker—only to discover it was as fake as my promises to “play it safe” off the tee. Steve had mischievously set the trap a hole ahead and the group reveled at the prospect of the prank being pulled off. Top marks, Steve—your japes landed like a perfect chip shot. Joe’s expression must have flipped from ‘drinks are on me’ to ‘I’ve been stitched up’ quicker than a snap hook off the tee. Well played indeed.
As we reached the 18th green, Steve shuffled over with a frantic gleam in his eye. ‘Dave, mate, can you give me the hole for two putts? I need the loo—badly.’ Turns out his IBS was hitting him harder than the karma from that fake fifty. I smiled and said, ‘Just go, mate, were well ahead!’ Perhaps he misheard but he gripped his putter, determined to fight fate. Half amused, half evil, I offered, ‘Alright, get it within a bin lid, and it’s yours.’ In his haste disaster then struck: five putts, a blobbed hole, and Steve raging like a man cursed, before legging it to the clubhouse mid-tirade. He wouldn’t let me forget this, ribbing me that I’d made him putt out with a ‘disability’— but I guess that counterfeit cash came with a price.
When we finally returned to the clubhouse Joe began lavishly dishing out the fines, which were humorously received as usual by all including Romiley club members that were looking on. The round itself was a test of stamina, skill, and sheer stubbornness. Those monstrous par 4s had us puffing like we’d run a marathon, and the leaderboard was anyone’s guess. By all accounts, Joe had been smashing it and looked a shoo-in for a podium spot. But in true Alfie Noakes fashion, the day threw us a curveball—or perhaps a wicked dogleg.
Dave Mac stormed in with a whopping 41 points to snag the Welcome Cup, cementing bandit status again! Now you might suspect my old hacker skills came into play with my new scoreboard duties, but I think those extra two shots from the slope might’ve given me a nudge…. or did they?!!
The runner-up spot was a nail-biter. Joe’s solid round had the crowd buzzing, but PJ sneaked in with 39 points, edging him out by a single stroke. One point! That’s the difference between glory and “better luck next time, mate.” Joe took it like a gent, though I reckon he’s already plotting revenge.
The blind uphill MacKenzie green had PJ in contention for nearest the pin. He hit the green and was on the dance floor marker in place when everyone else had missed. However up stepped Mike Oakes and bagged the the nearest the pin honours this week. There were no twos this time round, it was a tough ask with the treated greens and therefore the pot gets rolled over to the next event.
All in all, it was a cracking day at Romiley. The course tested us, the fines stung us, and the fake cash fooled us—but the Alfie Noakes crew came through with laughs, banter, and a few respectable swings. Dave Mac’s walking off with the silverware, PJ’s basking in runner-up glory, and I’m left wondering if I can expense that café latte to the Fines Master. Here’s to the next one, Sale — may the fairways be flat, the bacon rolls be plentiful, and the £50 notes be real.
- Alfie Noakes Golf Society: The 2025 Season Tees Off with a Dictator’s Drive
Last weekend, the Alfie Noakes Golf Society dusted off the cobwebs (and possibly a few cobweb-covered clubs) to kick off the 2025 season with the Captain’s Drive at the picturesque Antrobus Golf Course. Nestled in the heart of the Cheshire countryside, this clever little track is a beauty with a beastly side—think water hazards galore, wooded traps, and fairways so narrow they’d make a tightrope walker sweat. Off the back tees, even our resident “pros” were muttering prayers into their gloves, while the well-guarded greens smirked at every approach shot.
Our new captain, Alex Baker, rolled up to the occasion sporting a hangover that could’ve sunk a battleship. Clearly, the pre-season celebrations had taken their toll, but nothing says “leadership” like a bleary-eyed dictator ready to rule the fairways. The day itself was a stunner—sun blazing, temps soaring into the high double digits, and a chance to shed the winter layers. Well, until the duffed shots and cries of “where’d that go?!” reminded us that golf is the ultimate humbler, no matter the weather.
The Texas Scramble format had us drawing lots for teams, which led to some delightful chaos as we squeezed four tee times into the space of three. Members were politely “encouraged” to keep the pace up, though judging by some of the swings, a few might’ve mistaken this for a leisurely nature hike. New fines master Joe was already in mid-season form, wielding his shiny new fines book like a medieval tax collector. I hadn’t even unpacked my clubs before I copped a fine for “driving into a hedge”—a crime I didn’t commit, unless you count my car’s brief flirtation with the shrubbery on arrival. Joe’s enthusiasm was unmatched; he’d clearly spent the off-season dreaming up penalties obscure enough to rival a pub quiz.
We welcomed some fresh faces: guest Mick, new member Alex (already eyeing “bandit” status), and Kevin, who arrived with empty pockets and instantly earned the nickname “No Doe.” It’s sticking, folks—he’s got the charm to pull it off, but we’re keeping an eye on his wallet next time. The group photo was a sight to behold, all of us grinning like kids at a candy store, before Alex stepped up for his big moment. Ex-captain and now Chairman Colin Butler handed over the new captain’s hat—a snazzy number with a “Commie” logo. Alex, embracing his inner tyrant, declared, “This isn’t a democracy, it’s a dictatorship!” The crowd jeered, the tension built, and then—true to form—Alex’s antique wooden wood sent his first ball screaming “FORE RIGHT!” as it vanished into the Cheshire wilderness. Somewhere, a farmer’s cow is still dodging that Titleist.
The golf itself was a mixed bag of brilliance and blunders, but the real fun came at the 19th hole. Basking in the sun, cold drinks in hand, the ribbing flowed as freely as Joe’s fines. Alan copped one for “grumpiness,” though who wouldn’t scowl when the winter mats turn your tee shot into a comedy act—his ball rolling off the tee more times than a toddler chasing a balloon? Joe’s fines book was a masterpiece—overflowing with creative offenses. The man’s a natural, and we’re already dreading/loving his next performance.
The winners? None other than our illustrious Dictator—sorry, Captain—Alex Baker, alongside Chairman Colin Butler, Alan Corbishly, and Kevin Murrey. Nearest the Pin went to Elliot, who probably celebrated with a smug nod, while the twos pot was nabbed yet again by Mike Oakes. Through gritted teeth, he had to split it with No Doe—congrats, gents, enjoy the spoils.
After a long, soggy winter that left me and my clubs in a state of grumpy hibernation, this day was a tonic. Great weather, great company, and a cracking start to the season. Congratulations Mr Captain on a great day of golf and a successful start to the season. Here’s hoping the rest of 2025 stays warm, dry, and full of laughs. Next up is Romiley—a beautifully groomed parkland gem that’s calling our names. See you all there next week, and may your drives stay straight (or at least on the course).
- Season’s Last Swing: The Committee Cup at Alsager Golf and Country Club
The last dance of the season arrived with the prestigious Committee Cup at Alsager Golf and Country Club, and it was a day packed with surprises, slip-ups, and dodgy swings. Now, let’s clarify—this was the Alsager with an actual golf course. Turns out, some of our members had made a pit stop at “Alsager Golf Club,” which sounds right but boasts one small flaw: there’s no golf course.
Our members tracked the weather like meteorologists, watching the skies in hopeful suspense. Sadly, Mother Nature wasn’t feeling cooperative. With rain through the week, Health & Safety put a kibosh on buggies—bad news for some of our more “well-seasoned” members. But despite the lack of wheels, spirits were high, and we had a fantastic turnout, including our newest members, Alex and Josh, ready to dive into the deep end of society golf.
The morning wasn’t without hiccups. Burt, who’s no stranger to odd excuses, strolled in late, claiming a herd of cows had obstructed his commute which he eventually overcame. Impressive dedication, but the fines master Alex wasn’t buying it and slapped Burt with an appropriate tax. Then we had Joe, who finally made it to the correct Alsager course, albeit looking as though the previous night had put him through his own version of “18 holes.”
The Game’s Afoot: Texas Scramble with a Side of Shenanigans
With the teams sorted via a good ol’ random number draw, members grouped up for a Texas Scramble—team-based chaos, for the uninitiated. Some members sported their “Mr. Captain Tribute” golf shirts from Herons Reach, a sentimental nod to our Captain’s final day in office. The look was stylish, spirited, and—let’s be honest—they looked as damn fantastic as last time!
Warm-up was interesting, putting greens, driving nets, pitching range and unusually an XplainR swing trainer hoop was available to members. Our resident bandit, eager to try the training aid, actually managed to take a divot on his first swing, proving that maybe, just maybe, a few sessions with the XplainR wouldn’t hurt.
On the course, we saw all kinds of action but it was noted that Mr. Corbishly, ever the competitor, was caught off-guard and shocked that someone almost hit him when a golf ball seemingly landed beside him out of nowhere. It turns out Stu had simply decided to “drop” a ball next to him.
Finale Fines and Turkey Trots
In his final duties as fines master, Alex ensured no one escaped unscathed. From Burt’s bovine delays to questionable fashion choices, fines were dished out generously. Alex handed over the title to Joe for next season ready for Joe’s to bring his own unique approach to the “fine art” of fines.
As tradition demanded, members showed up with presents for the Turkey Trot. The prize pool was a delightful grab bag of mystery gifts, with only the bottles giving any hint at their contents. Those brave enough to take the plunge walked away with everything from “mystery” socks to some holiday cheer in glass form.
And the Winners Are…
When the final scores were tallied, there was no denying who came out on top:
- Champions: Burt, Oakers, and PJ, cruising to victory with a whopping 47 points.
- Runners-up: Steve, Mr. Captain, and Alex V with a solid 42 points.
- Third Place: Dave Mac, Joe (eventually sober), and Josh with 39 points.
- Fourth Place: Alex, Alan, and Stu, also at 39 points.
- Fifth Place: Elliot, The Tree, and David B, close behind with 38 points.
As autumn settles in and our clubs retire to hibernation, we look back fondly on a season filled with unforgettable moments, legendary banter, and the undeniable camaraderie of our golf society. Planning for next season is already underway, and as we close the chapter on this year, we can’t wait to tee things off again in March.
Here’s to another year of (mostly) straight shots, and plenty more stories to tell! We’ll see you all at the AGM next year!
- The Past Captains Crystal at Woodside Golf Course: A Day to Remember (or Forget!)
Our latest golf society outing took us to Woodside Golf Course, nestled in the scenic shadow of the UK’s largest radio telescope, Jodrell Bank, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Not only does this 9-hole parkland course offer the surreal backdrop of one of Britain’s great scientific marvels, but it also boasts a well-earned reputation for staying dry, even when the rest of the region is underwater. So, with that in mind, we set off for the Past Captains Crystal Event with optimism and rain jackets securely left in the car.
11 Players, 12 Golfers: Do the Math
We started the day with 11 players and by the time we finished, we somehow had 12. It’s like a magic trick gone slightly wrong and an extra player appeared. Did the radio telescope teleport an extra golfer from a distant galaxy or perhaps the society needs to provide training for the starter. Read on.
A Morning Full of Promise and Unexpected Obstacles
The morning began dry but brisk, with the kind of chill that wakes up your senses but makes you question if you should’ve added an extra layer. The sky was clearing up nicely though, hinting at a bright day ahead. However, Woodside wasn’t done surprising us. In a first for me (and most likely for everyone else), a horse casually wandered across the fairway! It seems Woodside offers not just challenging greens but the occasional wildlife hazard too. Now, we can all check “yield to horse” off our golf bucket lists.
The Mysterious Lone Golfer
Halfway through the round, we noticed a lone golfer gaining on us from behind. With our group, being a three-ball, we invited this wandering golfer to join us. His name was Alex, and it turned out we may have unintentionally recruited another bandit into the mix. Alex played almost too well, making us question whether he came for a friendly round or to give us all a masterclass.
The Resident Bandit’s Tale of Two Halves
Our society’s resident bandit started with guns blazing, bagging a birdie on the first hole, followed by three pars and four net pars. However, as is often the case in golf, all good things must come to a shanking end. While the back nine is the same course, it seemed to transform into a parallel universe of duffed chips and missed putts. We’ll just leave it at that—some things are better left unsaid.
An Adapted Format for a Missing Hole
Since the 18th hole was out of play, the format for the day was Stroke Play. That didn’t seem to faze our trusty Secretary, Ian Morris, who carded an impressive 69 to take the win. Joe Wilcox, finishing with the same score, just missed out on top honors on countback. It was a finish so tight, the horse on the fairway seemed like just a minor hiccup in the day’s mane event!
The Elusive 2nd Green
Ah, the 2nd hole! A great opportunity to shine with the “Nearest the Pin” challenge—or at least that was the theory. Most of us struggled so much that we had to call a mulligan and try again on a different hole on the back nine. For those of you wondering, the “Twos Pot” remains unclaimed and will roll over to the final event. So, there’s still a chance to claim a bit of glory (and cash) at the year’s end!
Wrapping Up in the Clubhouse
After the game, we all gathered in the clubhouse to swap war stories, compare egos, and toast to a day well spent. Alex, our unexpected 12th player, joined us for some post-game camaraderie, cementing his spot not just as an on-course bandit, but as a potential new member. That’s right—our mysterious twelfth player is likely joining us for the final event, and we’re genuinely looking forward to having him. He might be the key to bolstering our ranks (or at least increasing our odds of the society hitting a nearest the pin green!).
Until Next Time…
In the end, it was a brilliant mixture of competitiveness, camaraderie, and the kind of light-hearted frustration that only golf can provide. We had horses crossing fairways, mysterious golfers joining our ranks, and some classic back-nine meltdowns—pretty much everything you could hope for in a society golf outing.
With the “Twos Pot” still up for grabs and the final event looming, we’re already looking forward to the next challenge. Just remember to count your players before and after, and if you see a lone golfer lurking in the distance… invite them along. Who knows, you might just find your newest society bandit!
- Chilly Winds and Chilly Wins at Buxton and High Peak
Sunday last, the society made its way to the historic Buxton and High Peak Golf Course, a venue that dates back to 1887. This ancient course has undoubtedly seen its fair share of golfing ups and downs over the years, and today was no exception as 9 brave hackers took on the autumnal chill of the High Peaks. A big thanks goes to Alan Corbishley who sponsored the annual Chairman’s Cup competition.
A Cold Affair with Layered Golfers
After nervously tracking the weather all week, we were relieved to see the rain hold off, but the day certainly had a chill in the air. Players arrived prepared with extra layers and gloves, ready for a crisp day of golf. The cold winds sweeping across the fairways were a clear reminder that winter was just around the corner. The wind chill made things “interesting,” especially as we approached the 5th, where it was pointed out that it was the highest tee in Cheshire. If nothing else, it certainly felt that way with the breeze making things just a little more challenging.
A Surprise on the 14th
While Alex Baker is known for being one of the society’s longest hitters, there was a surprising twist on the 14th hole. One of our more senior members Len ‘Daily’ Potts stepped up and, in a moment of brilliance, out-drove Alex. It’s not often you see the big hitter humbled, but it was all taken in good humour and added a bit of excitement to the round.
A “Helping Hand” on the 17th
One of the lighter moments of the day occurred on the 17th hole when Steve found himself blocked out by the fairway marker. Ever the helpful playing partner, Stuart decided to relocate the marker. It was all very reminiscent of a lollipop man, minus the pop, of course. Stuart had endured a tough round by that point, and it seemed he was seriously considering swapping it out for his driver!
Steve’s (Unseen) Moment of Glory
Despite the challenges, Steve had his shining moment on the 13th hole where he reportedly made a superb chip-in to claim the day’s twos pot. The only problem? No one was actually around to witness it and we just had to take his word for it. To be honest though, his loud victorious roar, massive huge grin and leaping around the green seemed to confirm the story. In what would have been a ironic twist, Dave Mac nailed the green in regulation to within 4 feet, however he narrowly missed out on sharing the pot after a less-than-memorable missed two-putt, one that will likely haunt him for a while!
Given the modest turnout of 9 players, the twos pot wasn’t exactly overflowing. But Steve’s joy was quickly diminished when, after settling his fines and IOUs, he found himself with a grand total of… £1. Here Steve pictured beforehand. It was not quite the windfall he had hoped for, but it’s the principle that counts, right?
Nearest the Pin by Default and Competitive Finishes
Alex Baker took the nearest the pin prize on the day—by default! He was the only one to actually hit the green, proving that sometimes just showing up is half the battle. Meanwhile, Steve’s consistency didn’t stop there, as he secured the runner-up spot with 34 points, continuing his strong form.
But the day’s ultimate winner was Alex Baker himself, once again making a name for himself in the society by taking the top spot with an impressive 36 points. The man is becoming something of a trophy collector, and with performances like this it looks like there is another sure fire contender for Bandit.
Captain’s Delight and Final Thoughts
Special mention goes to Mr. Captain, who was thrilled to claim third place, edging out the resident bandit by a single point. His excitement was palpable, and rightly so—it’s always nice to sneak onto the podium when competition is tight.
There had been some criticism of the sandy greens but overall, Buxton and High Peak Golf Course held up well, even under the chilly conditions. Playing long today, it challenged everyone, but it’s easy to imagine how delightful this course must be in the warmth of summer. With sweeping views and a historic layout, it remains a favorite spot for the society, and we look forward to returning for another round, hopefully with a bit more sunshine and a little less wind!