Sunday saw the ANGs descend on Macclesfield Golf Club for the eagerly awaited Spring Cup, generously sponsored by the ever-elusive Alex Vietor. Perched on the edge of the Peak District National Park, Macclesfield is a proper test of golf with rolling, hilly terrain that rewards good course management and punishes anything less. The views across the Cheshire countryside are spectacular (when the clouds actually let you see them), and the greens are famously true and quick. It’s a course that looks innocent enough… until it starts kicking your backside.
A healthy turnout of new and returning members made for a cracking atmosphere, though a few familiar faces were conspicuous by their absence. Most notably, our very own sponsor, Alex. No sign of the man on arrival, which raised more than a few eyebrows. We half-expected a dramatic entrance involving sunglasses and a bucket of Irn-Bru.
Thankfully, unlike previous years – ahem, Maccapakka *cough*cough*, there were no scheduling disasters. Tee times were spot on, the staff were on hand with coffee and bacon rolls, and everything ran like a well-oiled machine. Well, almost everything…
It turns out Alex had been enjoying himself rather too enthusiastically the night before. Sporting a hangover that could slay a small horse, he’d completely forgotten the clocks had sprung forward. While the rest of us were tucking into breakfast, Alex was still horizontal. This left one lonely bacon butty sitting on the table, looking increasingly nervous as Joe circled it like a shark that hadn’t eaten in weeks. (We’re still not sure if it survived.)
Speaking of Joe, he sprang into action the moment the shirts came out. The ANGs kit was proudly donned by all… or at least those who could still stand upright. Unfortunately, buggies were banned on large parts of the course due to the soft ground. This meant a few of our more “mature” members had to sit this one out. Harsh, but at least they got to enjoy the bacon rolls in peace.
We teed off under cloudy but dry skies — a vast improvement on last year, when the round was abandoned faster than a bad Tinder date because members were literally dodging lightning… bloody pussies eh!.
Of course, the golfing gods were only teasing us. It didn’t take long for the heavens to open, and once they did, they really committed. Driving rain straight into the face is a special kind of misery that no golf swing can survive. Your correspondent spent most of the round hacking away like a drowning man trying to axe-murder a puddle. Not my finest hour to be honest.
Speaking of questionable fashion choices, spare a thought for our Mr Captain. He was ‘presented’ with his new official captain’s hat… which can only be described as “interesting”. Let’s just say if the hat was any more tragic it would have needed its own handicap. He’s been given the captaincy, yet somehow ended up with headwear that looks like it was rejected from a 1980s episode of Love Boat. Absolute scenes. We’re still not sure whether to salute him or start a whip-round for a decent hat… because that thing is an absolute crime against golf fashion.
The course fought back hard. A few members went sliding onto their backsides in the slick conditions (no names, but the bruises were impressive). Col managed the rare feat of actually breaking his driver. Some might say he’s done himself a massive favour — that club had been letting him down for years anyway.
The Podium
In conditions that would have made Noah reach for his waterproofs, Steve ‘Yozza’ Hughes emerged victorious with a superb 39 points. Outstanding effort in that weather, Yozza — one to watch, lads.
Jay Oakes took second place on countback, also with 39 points. Two very worthy winners who clearly remembered to bring their A-games (and perhaps a snorkel).
No nearest the pin prizes were awarded. Not because the committee forgot — we’re all just that crap in the rain. Similarly, no twos were scored, so the pot rolls over to the next event. Cha-ching.
Bringing up the rear in last place was your humble scribe. Fully deserved, I might add. The dubious honour of wearing “The Visor” at the next outing now falls to me. I’m still trying to work out how I got press-ganged into that particular punishment, but on the bright side… I get a shot back. Get in!
A huge thank you to Alex for sponsoring (even if you did miss the start, you legend), to Macclesfield Golf Club for looking after us, and to all the members who turned up and took the soaking like true golfers.
Next up: The Founders Cup at Brookdale on Saturday 11th April. Col’s favourite hunting ground, where he set the society record of 47 points last year. No pressure, Col… but we’ll all be watching.
See you on the first tee, lads. Bring waterproofs. And maybe a spare driver for Col.