This week past, the Alfie Noakes Golf Society gathered for the Memorial Cup at Hazel Grove Golf Club – a beautiful parkland gem founded in 1913 and designed by the legendary Alister MacKenzie, in fact he watches over greenside at the 18th as players come in. Nestled in Stockport with stunning views over Manchester and the rolling Cheshire plains, this 18-hole, par 71 course stretches to around 6,236 yards off the whites. Tree-lined fairways, numerous water hazards, and superb USGA-spec greens make it a proper test that rewards thoughtful golf rather than just brute force. One of Cheshire’s hidden gems and a fantastic challenge for the society.
And the weather gods were smiling – perfect golfing conditions with just enough breeze to keep things interesting.
A big thank you to Dave Mac for sponsoring the day. Playing on his home turf, the pressure was on and expectations seemed sky high — we were all braced for a masterclass and some serious home-club carnage. The rest of us were quietly hoping he’d at least leave us with some crumbs of glory. How did our fearless bandit get on? Keep reading…
A fantastic turnout with 20 players signed up and all tees nicely full. We gathered in the clubhouse, twiddling our thumbs and dreaming of bacon rolls that never arrived. You know what they say about idle hands…
Enter Bert, arriving fashionably (and literally) late in a wheelchair, cheerfully announcing “I hope my handicap goes up today!” The tomfoolery was all unknowingly witnessed by the Club President enjoying a quiet coffee in the corner. Absolute scenes and classic Bertie.
While we were still recovering from Bert’s entrance, the Captain’s Drive prizes were finally handed out to Ron ‘The Tree’ Marshall, Jay, Bertie, and No Dough. Some towering drives there, lads — especially from The Tree!
Before any drives were struck, all 20 golfers assembled on the first tee and observed a minute’s silence in memory of past members. It was impeccably respected and a fitting tribute. A touching moment that set the tone for the day… before the inevitable chaos resumed.
Twos Pot Drama
The Twos Pot was absolutely massive and rumbling like an angry golfer behind a slow group. As we teed off on the 3rd, a huge cheer erupted from the par-3 2nd. Collective groan from the rest of us — we knew Oaker was in that group. The tension was unbearable… but did he deliver? … keep reading.
On-Course Shenanigans
The golf was full of the usual Alfie Noakes chaos.
Alex had a memorable battle with his trolley, which took a spectacular nose-dive straight into a bunker. Sand, clubs, and expletives went flying — it looked like a one-man beach explosion.
On the par-4 17th (a sharp right-hand dogleg), we were about to putt out when guess who slammed his drive straight into the greenside bunker? A couple of metres further right and Oaker would have had a putt for eagle. Instead he had a putt for “what the hell was that?!” So close… yet so Oaker.
Yours truly stuck one close on the 8th (the unusual Nearest the Pin over the water, chosen so that shorter hitters could have a good chance at competing). Watching Oaker pitch his shot in, I fist-pumped and uttered a quiet “Yes, get in”, as he landed past the pin… only for the spin to drag it back. Expletives then followed as I quietly grumbled under my breath!
Other notable (and slightly less successful) efforts on that hole came from Joe. While the rest of us were trying to hit the green, Joe decided to feed the local wildlife with two perfectly straight balls into the pond. Classic Joe – always generous with his golf balls and even more generous when handing out the fines later. Legend.
Fines & Deck Time
After the round we all gathered on the extensive decking area for a well-earned drink. Joe ran the fines with his usual brilliant comedy timing and had quite an audience – other club members were laughing along too. Top entertainment as always.
Prize Winners
Twos Pot Winner: Shock of the day – it wasn’t Oaker! No Dough bagged it with a great shot on the 2nd. £148 in the back pocket… but the nickname stays! Well played.
Nearest the Pin: Mike Oakes – a great shot with excellent spin control. Bugger.
In the main event, it came down to a card play-off:
Winner: Bert Blower with 39 points, storming home with a sensational back nine.
Runner-up: Mike Oakes (also on 39), who fired a gross 67 with four birdies on the back nine. A tough one to take on that performance.
The infamous Visor was awarded to Dek, another unsuspecting victim shanghaied into the Visor Club. Rumour has it he racked up an unhealthy share of double bogeys (or more!), which is an outstanding effort in consistency. Unlucky, Dek – the Visor Committee clearly couldn’t ignore that kind of performance!
** BREAKING NEWS **
Hot off the press update: A weekend phone call revealed a scoring cock-up – Bert had actually only posted 37 points. Doh! Cardgate strikes again. Oaker walks away with a well deserved top spot after all. Nice one buddy.
Another belting day out with the Alfie Noakes Golf Society. A pity the host couldn’t take full home-club advantage, but it was brilliant to have everyone at Hazel Grove. A great challenge (perhaps not for Oaker though… LoL).
Roll on Chapel-en-le-frith. Remember lads, due to Fathers day weekend it is on the Saturday. This time bacon and coffee eagerly await us – so keep the excuses sharp and the trolleys upright!