The Alfie Noakes Golf Society (ANGS) descended upon Styal Golf Club this past weekend for the highly anticipated Presidents Cup. Nestled in the Cheshire countryside, Styal is renowned for its challenging layout, featuring water hazards that seem to have a magnetic pull on Titleists and bunkers that have swallowed many a golfer’s dignity. It’s a course that demands precision—something our group usually replaces with optimistic swinging and creative scorekeeping.
A massive thank you to Len Potts for sponsoring the day at his home club. To be honest, we were expecting big things from Len on his own turf, especially on a course where Al Corbishly usually treats the fairways like his own private backyard. Unfortunately, the day started with a slight administrative hiccup: nobody actually knows what the Presidents Cup looks like. We couldn’t find it. It’s officially been added to the committee agenda, right under “How to stop Ron wearing trousers.”
The Tee-Off: Sun, Knees, and Early Starters
The weather gods were smiling as we teed off in glorious sunshine. It was fantastic to see a strong turnout, including Dec, sporting a shiny new knee, and Pete looking ready for action.
Len Potts was clearly eager to justify his sponsorship; he was teed up and swinging before the starter had even finished his morning coffee or called the first name. Meanwhile, our Mr. Captain put on a brave face despite a dodgy back. However, the bravado lasted exactly one swing. He tweaked it immediately, sending his opening shot “fore-right”—an unusual postcode for him, but a sign of the struggle to come.
Then there was Ron “The Tree” Marshall. In a move that has shocked the local community and likely triggered a parliamentary inquiry, Ron appeared in trousers. I am currently drafting a sternly worded letter to my MP; some traditions are sacred, Ron.
Chaos on the Course
Starting on a Par 3 is always a recipe for a bottleneck, especially when the ANGS membership collectively decides that the deep rough is far more interesting than the green. It was a long wait for the final group, punctuated by the sound of hacking from the long grass.
The “Muppet of the Match” awards could have gone to several candidates:
- Jay: Managed to lose three balls on the second hole, only to find them all out of bounds. That’s a special kind of talent.
- Corbo: Apparently forgot he wasn’t on a hiking expedition. He led his group on a “scenic” trek that almost resulted in them missing two entire holes.
- Mr. Captain: In a moment of extreme dedication to greenkeeping, he decided to “water” the course. Usually, this is encouraged, just perhaps not in the dead center of the fairway in broad daylight.
- Joe Wilcox: Had a bit of a moment. In a fit of pique, he fined himself for club abuse. The only problem? He broke his own bag in the process. Efficient work, Joe.
The Results: The Bandit Strikes Again
In a shocking turn of events, there were zero “2s” recorded on the day. All the way over in Turkey, I’m told Oaker could be heard cheering as the pot continues to swell. He’s chomping at the bit, though he’ll be gutted to know he’s missing the next event—the last chance to claim the big prize lads before the pot resets.
Usually, we just pre-etch Al Corbishly’s name onto the trophy at Styal, but since he didn’t turn up, the door was left open for a predator. Step forward that massive bandit, Mr. Maccapakka. Despite a “dodgy” front nine featuring two blobs, he turned into prime Nick Faldo on the back nine with eight pars to finish on 37 Stableford points.
The Podium:
- Maccapakka (37 pts) – Currently hiding from the handicap secretary.
- Bert (32 pts) – Took the runner-up spot on countback.
- Pete (32 pts) – A valiant effort, pipped at the post.
The Visor makes a triumphant return to the Chairman of the Visor Committee himself, Joe Wilcox. Given the state of his golf bag, I think Joe knew deep down that the headgear was coming home to him.
Finally, a shout-out to Mr. Captain, who eventually had to card an NR. His back finally gave in, but credit where it’s due—he battled on far longer than most of us would have.
Next Stop: Davenport
We go again on Sunday, 10th May at Davenport. The club has promised coffee and bacon rolls on arrival to soak up the inevitable Friday/Saturday night remnants. See you on the first tee, lads—and Ron, please, wear shorts.
Over and out,